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Rock Fest 2013 Winners (According to Scary FN Terry)

by Terry Stevens

The stage is empty.  The crowds have departed.  The speakers are quiet.

Another Rock Fest is in the books.

Rock Fest 2013 featured quite possibly the best lineup they've ever had in Cadott, WI.  Picking favorites was tough, but I've never been one to shy away from a challenge.

And now, your Rock Fest Winners (According to Scary FN Terry)

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Winner - Best Drum Solo - Arejay Hale, Halestorm

When Arejay Hale won the Best Drummer award at the Golden Gods Awards a few months ago, beating out the likes of Gene Hoglan and Neil Peart, I called B.S.

After watchiing his solo at Rock Fest, I take back my prior assessment.  This kid STOMPS!  His solo was so good that Zombie Keith Moon and Zombie John Bonham rose from their graves, shuffled to Rock Fest, pointed at the stage and groaned "Daaaayum, son!" and "Braaaaaaaains".

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Winner - Best Unsigned/Regional Band - 4th Floor

Not only did they kill it on the big stage, 4th Floor also rocked one of the beer stands, all while their lead singer was suffering from some virus.  Pure Rock Stamina must be in the water up in Three Lakes, WI.  A lot of new 4th Floor fans were minted at Rock Fest this year.

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Winner - Sickest Breakdowns - All That Remains

DUNDUNDUN-DUN-DUN-DUN-DUNDUNDUN-DUN-DUN-DUN. 

Phil Labonte and crew got cheated by the bench seating in VIP and Corporate.  If those hunks of wood weren't there, they would have had one of the sickest pits EVAR!  MOAR BREAKDOWNZ!

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Winner - Best Guitar Solo - Slash

Nobody brought sicker guitar work to their set than Slash.  I'm not sure how every other guitarist at the Fest didn't just throw up their hands and give up after hearing him play the solo in "Anastasia".  It was that freaking good!  Obviously, the man is a legend, but we'd like to think that the Driver jersey we gave him before the show helped his performance too.

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Winner - Song Most Covered By Bands in the Beer Pavilions - "Seven Nation Army"

Seriously.  Every f***ing band.  Every f***ing set.  All f***ing day.  All f***ing night.  STAAAAAAHP (unless you're 4th Floor)!

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Winner - Silliest Stage Getup - Matt Walst, Three Days Grace

Look, I know that piracy is killing the music biz and all, but you mean to tell me that between gigs with My Darkest Days AND Three Days Grace, this guy can't afford pants and a shirt that don't look like they were attacked by a rabid wolverine?

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Winner - Least able to pronounce "Cadott" - Phil LaBonte, All That Remains

Say it with me now, Phil.  "Kuh-DOT".  Not "Cadditt".

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Winner - Best Show of Love for Wisconsin - Three Days Grace

Time for Poniatowski to change it's name.  I want our tower to be in Las Venus, Wisconsin.

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Winner - Best Showmanship - KISS

No one's set was full of more "OMFG!  Did you see THAT?" moments than KISS.  The lights, the pyro, the rocket launcher guitar, the flying Starchild, the Demon spewing blood and fire.  I'm still picking confetti out of my beard 3 days after the show.  +10.  Would watch again.

KISS put on a class on how to completely satisfy an audience.  From now on, whenever we plan promotions at this station, we're going to ask ourselves, "What would KISS do?"

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Winner - Best Cover By A Main Stage Band - Korn "Another Brick In The Wall"

As many times as you've heard the recorded version, nothing can prepare you for the sheer heaviness and majesty of hearing Korn cover Pink Floyd's classic live.

Honorable mentions to 3DG's cover of Limp Bizkit's "Break Stuff", Megadeth's cover of Thin Lizzy's "Cold Sweat" and Device's cover of Nine Inch Nails' "Wish".

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Winner - Best Director - Leigh Kakaty, Pop Evil

Leigh took it upon himself to grab one of Rock Fest's many camera guys and direct his shots.  If this whole Pop Evil thing doesn't work out, he has a bright future in the concert film industry.

(Some female members of our staff have also indicated that Leigh would do well in the adult film industry too.)

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Winner - Loudest Band - The Offspring

Hellyeah was loud.  KISS was louder.  But at the end of the day, only one band was loud enough to shatter bottles in the VIP area.  No joke.  The Offspring broke glass like an opera singer.

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Winner - Dirtiest Old Man - David Coverdale, Whitesnake

"Slide It In"

Out of that mouth.

Ewwwwwwww.

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Winner - Most Metal Band - Mega-F-ing-Deth

I saw Megadeth in what I thought was their prime on the Countdown to Extinction tour back in the day.  Turns out they're still in their prime!  My freaking neck was killing me after that set, I was head banging so much!

Honorable mention to Hellyeah who also brought it.

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Winner - Best Dreadlocks - Elias Soriano, Nonpoint

Whipping about like the snakes of a gorgon's head, Elias Soriano's dreads beat out Korn's by a million miles.  You can see Nonpoint's lead singer and his dreads on September 14th, 2013 at The Fillmor in Downtown Wausau .

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Winner - Best Campsite by a Rock Nation Citizen - TIE - SWAT Team & Great Pyranees Bar

S.W.A.T. Team!

Great Pyranees Bar
SWAT team was world-class badass, and The Great Pyranees Bar was classy as hell.  Look for more photos of their sites coming soon to the Rock Fest Photo Gallery ! **************************************************************************************************************************** Winner - Best Campsite - Non-Rock Nation Citizen - Wall of Fame Saloon

This site was rad as hell.  Every one of those squares you see on the bar and the tapestry behind it contains a logo from an artist that has played a Rock Fest.  And get this.  Some of the artists have visited the site to autograph their squares!  Being out-of-towners, the site owners weren't members of the Rock Nation, but we showed them how to download the Rock 94.7 App for Android and iOS devices, so they're all good now.

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Winner - Most WTF Campsite - Whatever the hell this freakshow was called

Nice "JNUK" meter, brah...

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Winner - Most Obnoxious DJ Doing A Stage Intro - Scary FN Terry, Rock 94.7

Seriously, who let that d-bag on stage?

Oh, and speaking of d-bags...

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Winner - Whiniest Punk Ass Biatch at Rock Fest - Tommy Lee, Motley Crue

After Rock Fest, Tommy Lee Tweeted that the crowd was lame.  You can see his Tweet and the reaction to it here.

Dude, you were the last band of a 4 day festival.

You played "SEX" and "Motherf***ker of the Year", two songs that even the most die-hard Crue fan couldn't give less f**ks about.  (A buddy of mine wanted to throw "Saints..." into that mix, but I actually like that song.)

Your production included lights and two dancing girls.  No pyro, no stunts.  Maybe that would work on an earlier day of the fest, but you had to follow KISS playing the night before.

Despite all that, the crowd was singing along to every song you guys played that wasn't written after the Doctor Feelgood album.  Hell, I enjoyed your set, I and tend to hate everything.

Look Tommy.  I know it has to hurt a bit knowing that you're a nostalgia act now.  You don't see that stopping KISS from blowing fans away every...single...night.

Next time, bring your A-Game, son.

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So, what categories did I miss?

Did I pick the right winners?

Post your thoughts in the comments section below.  It probably won't change my opinion but at least you'll have the satisfaction of telling someone they're wrong on teh intarwebs.

*In addition to discovering that his opinion of Tommy Lee could actually go lower than it already was, "Scary" Terry Stevens is the host of Scary Terry's Saturday Nightmare, a 3 hour metal show heard every Saturday from 9 to Midnight CST on Rock 94.7/102.9 in Central Wisconsin, online at www.rock947.com/listen-live and on your smartphone or tablet when you download the Rock 94.7 app.